MUST READ: Tales Of A Virgin Cougar Episode 1 - 3

It’s around 9’O clock in the evening, the sky is lit by the splendor of the Moon and the glory of the stars, cold wind is blowing; this kind of Night is made for loving, ideas came to my mind also did flourishing and ecstatic feeling.
I felt lost, alone, torn! Damn! I need love, I thought to myself. I decided to take a walk maybe I can find love, apparently, I’ve been on this quest for a while now. Will I find love tonight?
I started wandering from my hostel, Biobaku… to Kofo then Amina – I should see a girl on the quest for love too, I thought to myself maybe we could bond…I saw none.
From Amina, I went to New Hall. New hall was crowded as usual and everyone I saw in New Hall seemed to be on different quests, they all seem hungry for the same shii…they want to knack (and getting a place to do this on campus is a problem for most UNILAG boys).
From New Hall to Moremi, Moremi was depressing; is it a crime not to have a car? Moremi girls made me give up on love and refocus on hustle, they made me feel like there is no love for trekking Niggas; they dissed niggas on 2 legs and drooled over niggas on 4 legs.

Men it’s time to go back to my hostel, show my bed and pillow some love, I bet they miss me already because I’m not usually out this late. I shouldn’t have come out in the first place.

“Oh! Hold On, there is one hostel left, Honours, should I go there or nah?” I could feel my legs murmur: nigga we don’t wanna go there – This Hostel is the deserted island on Campus and it’s not any UNILAG Boy’s usual route, except there’s a special parole, I heard a lot happens in that pathway.
Going there would be arduous, so I decided to shred the idea. I was about to leave for my hostel when I decided to pause and just do a re-look of my environment.

Just then did a car oozing luxury park beside me asking for directions, inside this car was an adorably-light skinned-fresh-to-death woman, as hot as the Sun; I couldn’t stop looking, wealth dripping off her, Sweet Jesus! I was beauty struck.
“Hello Young Man, please how can I get to Biobaku Hall?” I was still deep in scrutiny I almost forgot the direction to my Hostel. I managed to stutter: that’s my hostel and that’s where I’m headed.

“Young Man, let help each other, I’ll give you a ride” When I heard this, I promised you, every muscle in my body just wanted to sit beside this ‘Woman-Lady’. This moment I forgot all the stories I’ve heard about fine rich women using young men for ritual. I didn’t even think about it nor hesitated. I jumped in and sat down pusillanimously.
We started our journey to Biobaku, She wore this skimpy black gown, she was ravishing in it and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She caught me staring on various occasion, she began to feel uncomfortable, so she decided to start a gist.

She told me her name, Mrs. Victoria Williams, I told her mine. She’s in her 40’s, she’s been married for 19 years, she has just one son, and she is a financial consultant. She talked about having issues in her matrimony and she might be divorced soon.
I looked at her despondently, it’s quite sad that a woman who is that beautiful is going through hardship in her marriage; I mean she deserves the best of everything. I commiserated with her, said some soothing words to her, I guess it helped, as she smiled faintly.

As we were getting close to my hostel, she made some oral communications that thrilled me to bits “you seem like a nice guy, you’re calm, the way you look at me makes me feel like I’m 16 again, you made me blush and for a moment I forgot my worries” I was happy AF deep within me, so she liked the way I was staring at her!
We’re outside my hostel now “I will like to see you again Young Man, will you call me?” as I was still trying to figure out an answer to this billion dollar question…she gave me her card and softly she said “Call Me”, softly I replied too with a faint-hearted smile ‘alright, goodnight’.
Now I’m back in my room, lying on the bed, wearing my once in a decade smile, I could hear the beat my heart was producing and I’m thinking out loud like I am Ed Sheeran, have I found love or I’m still on my quest?


Welcome to the 2nd episode of Tale of A Virgin Cougar, I hope you enjoyed the 1st episode*
It’s 2a.m and I’m still fully awake with my heavy heart and my clouded mind, after last night encounter I found it very hard to sleep. I have so many things to figure out, so many questions to be answered.
will I call her or nah? What will I say when I call her? Am I getting myself a Cougar? Could she be one of those wealthy old Lagos Women Ritualists?
You know if you’ve seen enough Nollywood flicks, you’ll think about all these, because you hardly see a relationship between an Old Woman and a Young Man that doesn’t involve exchange of Destiny or eventual killing of one another. In short, Nollywood taught me nothing good can come out of having a Cougar.

Should I be scared or nah? Am I safe or nah? Do I want to see her again? Everything around me paused for a while even my heartbeat when this question popped in my mind. Do I really wish to see her again??? Hell fucking yeah! I need to confirm if everything I saw last night was true. She’s too beautiful to be Human; thoughts of how sleek and fabulous she was crossed my mind again…I was on these thoughts till I crept into the dreamland.

Here comes the morning, I was still in bed, half awake-half sleeping. You know those type of morning when you are just in bed, not fully awake but still conscious of your environment… visualizing all your thoughts, something like an illusion? It’s like you’re dreaming but it’s just the display of what you’re thinking.
I had the loveliest hallucination. I created the exact type of relationship I want with her and I was living in it, it definitely felt super good. I was still rolling deep with the ocean of my lovely hallucination till I suddenly remembered my 8am class… I had to jump out of bed and prepare for class.

Now I’m in class with my guys, we just finished the first lecture; we are trying to chill for the Second lecture. We were talking about random things when one of them asked me “Guy, where were you last night?” What will I say? Should I give them the gist, should I tell them about last night’s escapade… let me just keep quiet for now cause I’m not even sure I’ll see her again, I’ll give them the gist later, maybe when she plans to meet me again. In case I don’t make it back, they will know how to find me.

“I was in my room all night men, I wasn’t feeling too fine but I’m fine now” I thought they believed me till he said he came to check me in my room and I was not in. Sarcastically I said “Did you check under my bed?” I had to say something silly so they can get off my case.
My day didn’t go exactly as I planned, but it was not a bad day after all. I’m done with classes; I’m back to my condo (hostel) so I decided to take a shower. I was in the bathroom when the thought of calling her started bothering my mind. I was still thinking about what to say when the idea of calling her right there in the bathroom popped. I embraced it!

I know it’s not just me that does everything better in the bathroom, I’m like 10 times smarter when I’m in the bathroom, I think better, I sing better, I have better ideas, even when it comes to making love, I make better love in the bathroom.
Since my phone was right in the bathroom with me, I picked up my phone and called her. I could tell my heart wanted to jump out and run when the call went through; I pulled myself together since I’m in my Comfort Zone (my bathroom) ‘no panicking in here Nigga’.

The phone kept ringing, nobody picked. ‘Maybe she’s busy’ I thought to myself. The call almost dropped when someone picked up “Hello” hold on! She has picked…show time!!
“Hello, who’s on the line please” she repeated. I cleared my throat, I told her it’s the young man from last night. She said “Hey Young Man, I thought you wouldn’t call, I waited for your call all night” oh really? Was she expecting me to call immediately? Why does she even like calling me Young Man. ‘I’m sorry about that; I just thought calling this evening would be better’ I don’t even know if that was the right thing to say. “Oh that’s good. I’m in a middle of something right now…this is your number yeah? I’ll text you pretty soon might not be able to call, is that fine?” She asked. Of course it is fine!! Super fine sef, I felt good maybe it’s the voice or because she has been expecting my call. I could tell she was very busy so I shouldn’t long thing again, I blustered ‘Alright, that’s good. Bye’ “Later Dear” and she dropped the call
Unconsciously, I started singing *I’m in love with the coco, I got it for the low low, I’m in love with the coco* and in my mind I was subbing thecocoforCougar. I continued bathing; I was having a nice shower. I was in the middle of this when my phone rang, could she be the one calling back? Quickly I washed my face and picked up my phone.

Look who is calling me, Vanessa X, my Ex, that’s why I added the X to her name. What does she want again this time? I picked up and heard something strange “Hey Boo, you didn’t want to pick your call shey? Are you avoiding me?” LOL, I ignored her question and acted like I didn’t hear anything, I’m not even ready for her troubles right now, so I asked her straight up ‘Vanessa wassup, what do you want?’ “ahn ahn, are we fighting ni, please can you come to my place tonight? All my roomies are going out and I don’t want to be alone in the room”

After hearing this I smiled and so did my John Thomas, there might be chance for some knacks, I thought to myself. To be sure if she wanted that I asked her ‘so what are we going to be doing alone in the room?’ She laughed, “You this Boy, come jhur, please”. Alright I’m definitely going to her place tonight, I need some action and apart from that I’ve missed Vanessa for one thing and that’s the wonderful head she gives.

“alright call me when you want me to come” she decided to make me feel not so special and say “like you have any other option, see you later Boo, I Love You” I usually don’t reply her whenever she says that, cause I know she doesn’t love me, she’s just confused. So I just said ‘Oshey Lover Girl’ and I dropped the call.
Back to shower, thinking about all I’d do to Vanessa later in the day. ‘My sweet Vanessa baby, wa fe ku laleyi’
Done with the bathroom, I decided to take a nap before tonight’s adventure. I was still lying in bed when my phone beeped and it was a text from my potential Cougar, Mrs. Victoria Williams. The text reads

“Sorry I was busy when you called, I’d be coming to see my Son this evening. Should I call you when I’m around? Will you be available?”
OK, OK, OK, what am I going to do? Who should I see tonight? My Ex, Vanessa or Mrs. Victoria Williams? Should I tell Vanessa I would be busy later in the day? Or tell Mrs. Williams something I won’t be around, wouldn’t that be rude?

What Should I Do?


You know there are some days you’d feel like you have no one, you’d feel like you’re the only one and no one cares about you… and there are some days you’d feel like you know too many people and too many people that care about you.
Just last night I was feeling lost and lonely, I had to saunter round the school looking and hunting for love. But just take a look at me tonight; I am stuck between two choices.

The thought of why both of them wanted to see me one night made me twitchy. The text that’s supposed to make my day suddenly put me in my greatest quandary. What should I do? What can I do? Should I call a friend? Ask the audience (my readers) or 50:50 (share my time and eventually see both of them)?
I couldn’t call any of my friends because I’ve not told them about meeting any rich old woman, the only people I’ve told are the people reading this (my splufik readers), so I asked them what can I do. Thank you guys for the comments and all, thanks for helping me in time of trouble. I’ll be there for you during your hard times too as long as you share it with me.

My Readers said I should go for Mrs. Williams, nobody suggested I should go to Vanessa’s place. So I followed my readers advice, I’m definitely slying Vanessa, she kuku doesn’t have anything new to offer, we’ve done it all and when I say all I mean ALL.

I was thinking about all Vanessa and I had done when I remembered the craziest thing we did. Do you want me to tell you about it? Yes / No? Yes yeah? Ok
It was on a Sunday, during this time we had already broken up, we were just friends and she has moved on to some better new things, she got herself a richer and finer dude just 5 days after we broke up (tho she still calls me and cries on the phone saying I Love You but we just can’t be together and all that bullshit, giving me the ‘It’s not you it’s me’ speech…when I told you She’s confused in Episode 2 you thought I was lying, you see now?)

So this particular Sunday I had no intention of going to church at all, she called and said we should go to church together. I’ve not gone to church in a long time, so I decided to go with her. We were in church and service was on, the Pastor was preaching when she whispered in my ear “I want to pee and I’m too shy to stand up alone, please let’s go together”

You know how silent and immobile everybody is when the sermon is going on, standing up alone could be very hard, I understood that so I told her “Let’s go” and we left for the Lavatory.
Their Lavatory in the church has one big door leading to the toilets; the doors to the male and female toilet are beside each other. I don’t know what happened or why, the Female Toilet was locked, so she had to enter the Male toilet and luckily for her or us there was no one there.

Vanessa and I have been having sex for a while now and we’ve not had one bad sex, so anytime we are alone in an enclosed area, I don’t know why it happens I just seem to want to fuck her. So as we entered the Males Toilet, I had a boner and she noticed it.

“See you! You’re hard again” that’s what she said immediately she noticed I had a boner. I acted like I didn’t know I was hard ‘oh! Really? But why will I be hard?’ I wasn’t actually expecting a reply, she nodded her head like hmmmmn, I thought she was ignoring the question but Nah. She said “you probably want me to fuck you”.

It’s not probably, I really want to… right there but we are in a Lavatory, not just any Lavatory, a Churches e’s Lavatory, so I didn’t see it happening. I reminded myself the ‘Keep the Sabbath day Holy’ line.
‘You have to pee fast fast and let’s gerrarahere you know you’re in the male lavatory’ I said to her ignoring whatever she said. She entered one of the toilets and peed. It’s like 2minutes and she’s still inside. Why is she taking forever to come out ‘Vanessa, what’s happening?’ discreetly she said please come inside, come help me zip my skirt… ‘Oh, help you zip your skirt? In a toilet we are alone in? The devil is trying to use you Vanessa, I’m sha coming’ I said teasingly.

I was confused when I entered the toilet, the skirt she said I should come help her zip was in her hand, so also is her panties… all I could see was the hairless heaven in between her thighs saying “Hello Papi” and immediately my dead man rose and was ready to live in it.

What’s happening here? Has she planned all these? I was still trying to figure out what was going on, when she said “please be fast joor, let’s do what we want to do and go back to church” What she said bewildered me, I was just static and then she pulled me closer, reached for my trousers, loosened my belt, pushed down my trousers, deep her hand inside my boxers and that’s when I lost it, as at that moment I forgot where I was, I forgot we were in the Lavatory, I forgot it was church I came to, all I had on my mind was to Fuck.

She also pulled down my boxers and asked me to sit on the toilet seat, when I heard this I knew history is about to be made again, anytime we fuck on the toilet seat it’s always legendary, yeah that is not the first sex we’d be having in the toilet.
I sat down and quickly she sat on my laps, not facing me, something like the reverse cowgirl and slowly she fixed me inside her, as I was filling her she wanted to moan but someone entered the toilet. I had to cover her mouth with my hand.

My bolt was still in her nut, she wasn’t moving, we were waiting for the person that entered the toilet to be done, but the guy was taking forever, so she started going up and down screwing slowly, as I was going deeper in her semi damp tight tunnel of love, she couldn’t contain it, I could tell she really wanted to moan, but she couldn’t, all she could do was bite on the palm I was covering her mouth with. I loved it!
She was riding me so slow, she was riding my ‘kondo magic stick’ like a newly bought car; she was riding with so much care and tenderness. I had one hand covering her mouth, the other one on my head; it felt like my head was going to explode when juice from her candy shop was slowly sliding down the thick veins of my rock hard candy stick.

She kept on riding me slow like there’s a traffic in our sex life till the guy leaves, as soon as we noticed he closed the door, she changed the gear, she started to ride me faster, she rode me so fast that cover of the toilet seat I was sitting on removed, I removed it and she continued riding…

Let me just stop gisting you about the sex. (You can tell me if you’ll like me to continue by commenting, it will help in the next episode)
We did what we had to do and went back to church. The pastor was still preaching, we didn’t even spend up to 20minutes in the toilet, I thought we spent a lifetime in there.

As the Pastor was preaching, we didn’t say a thing; we acted like nothing happened earlier. Pastor was about to round up, so he made altar calls. I knew I did something really bad, my conscience won’t let me sit down, so I stood up, didn’t even know she was going to stand up but she stood up too. We both sinned, so we went out for altar calls and asked for forgiveness (though later that day we fucked again)
That’s the craziest thing Vanessa and I ever did.
Since I’ve made up my mind to see Mrs. Williams, I decided to just chill in bed till she calls.

While I was still chilling in bed, I was thinking about what I’d wear, what I’d say, things we’d discuss about and all that, I have to make her enjoy my company you know. The pressure of wanting to impress her made me feel like a cat on hot bricks, I was feeling uneasy and agitated.

I didn’t know how I managed to take a nap with my state of mind. My subconscious tapped me; I felt like I must have missed calls from either Vanessa or Mrs. Williams while I was taking a nap, so I got up and looked for my phone.

I saw one missed call and a text message, in my mind I thought Mrs. Williams has sent a message that she won’t be coming again or something. So quickly I checked the message, it was a message from my bank, showing me my account balance #1,367 with #1000 minimum balance, that means I have #367 in my account.The message gave me more reason to choose to see Mrs. Williams instead of Vanessa, I need money.
I checked the missed call too and it was from one of these numbers MTN calls with. I hissed and dropped the phone.

It was getting late already, Mrs. Williams hasn’t called or texted even Vanessa sef, she did not call. What’s happening? I don’t want to call Mrs. Williams, I can’t call her, I just can’t, I don’t want to be a disturbance and I don’t want to be pushy too. Let me just keep calm and wait for my potential Cougar to call me.
I was keeping calm and waiting when Vanessa called me “Hey Baby, you should start coming now, my roommates are out already” She sounded so excited I could tell she really has big plans for the night, she didn’t even wait for me to talk when she added “hope you’ve not eaten cause I want you to come Hungry and Horny”.

Hearing this almost scattered my system, I almost forgot about forgot about Mrs. Williams but then I remembered my account balance and how bad I need money, I had to tell her. ‘Vanessa, I’m sorry, I have to see someone tonight, I might come later sha’ since she’s not my girlfriend telling her I want to see someone else wasn’t hard for me. When she heard that she kept mute for few seconds… I knew I killed the fire burning in her.

She went from being excited to being cold real quick and she decided to go all emotional on me “you know you love doing this a lot, you love choosing other girls over me, is it because you know I’ll always come back to you? I planned to make you happy and have a nice time with you today, now you’re telling me you want to see someone else and I know you know I’ve missed you, do you even know I paid my friends to go out so that you and I can have a nice time but it’s fine go and see whoever you want to see, I hope she fucks you better than me, I hope she cooks you something better, I hope you have more fun with her”.

I was touched when I heard all these, never knew she could really go to the extent of paying for her friends outing so we could have time to talk and all that, never knew she could even talk all that emotional shii with me again. Not seeing her that night would be really bad, so I said, ‘Common Vanessa, I was only fucking with you, I’d be on my way now’. She said “you better be kidding cause I’d kill you if you don’t come”. I laughed and ended the call.

I was getting ready, preparing for another night with Vanessa when my phone rang.
**ghen ghen**
Who’s the caller!? You’ll get to know in Episode 4……

Watch out for Episode Four

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